À la recherche du temps perdu

news from nowhere

Month: December, 2007

1/4世紀的終結


抬起頭,電視上播着一年大事回顧。我驚呆了。這樣又一年了。而我又得為自己的一年大事回顧苦惱。苦惱是因為這一年好像是一生人裡寫得最多的一年(除卻寫書的那段時間),然而在最近這個多月,我好像一下子失去了所有寫作的能力,江郎才盡了。別說寫作這種把文字重組編排的高度腦部活動,單是要我回想這一年都沒有力氣,要我想一下都怕,更沒勇氣看一遍這一年寫下的網誌。這個2007太累太損人了。或許說藝術家都依靠悲傷的情感來創作是真確的,而我已把我的悲傷在這一年裡透支了。

然後我想這或者是我開始了玩LOMO的關係。原先的想法是嘗試一種圖像加文字的創作,但結果是有了圖像沒了文字。或者是我覺得無法找到跟那些圖像相配合的文字,又或者是我相信看blog的人其實都傾向喜歡看圖像多於文字,又或者是純綷的惰性發作。K說:妳不過是懶。我起初不以為然,但他或許說對了。甚麼累甚麼悲傷甚麼圖像比文字優勝,其實都不過是我懶的藉口,不過是掩飾我因為無法從寫作得到所期望得到的滿足而對之熱情冷卻的爛藉口。我無力堅持,也不懂振作。死灰如何復燃,末路如何變成出口。

2007年的香港依然多事,世界也同樣紛亂。那些大事依然只能輕輕劃過我的心房,留下一刻的心動,或者幾句衝動的言詞,然後又忽地消失,不留一絲痕跡。我知道我永遠不會是哲古華拉,Mother Teresa,Princess Diana,昂山素姬……我沒有那種vision也沒有那種持久的熱誠,最重要的是我愛自己多於愛這個世界。我寫,但只能寫跟自己很切身的事。只有感到莫太的情感我才寫得出來。從這方面看來,我並不會寫。我只會把情感轉化成文字,如果沒有情感,沒有足夠的衝擊,我就一個字都寫不了。

我在想要不要把這一年發生過的都列出來。如果不翻開日誌逐日回顧的話,我只能大約記得自己開始了玩LOMO,參加或聽聞了好幾個婚禮,在青藏高原上感受到高山反應,第一次盡我作為選民的義務,在台北吃喝玩樂式的逃亡,長久的崩潰狀態和自我厭惡,然後無法忍受的把Bob頭剪掉。有太多已經淡忘,有更多不願記起。究竟是勇敢面對被壓抑的過去,還是豁達的讓過去隨風飄走不留一絲痕跡。我相信兩種做法都各有支持者,而我不可能奢望會有一個正確的做法。沒有對錯,只有結果。以前唸書是為了找出世事的因果對錯,唸多了就發現世事根本沒有對錯,因果亦不成立。K說以為我是烈女一名。他錯了,讀書人都是茫然失措的。因為我們無法確定說我們知道甚麼。蘇格拉底說:我只知道我甚麼都不知道。能夠自信爆棚的侃侃而談自己的見解的人,十居其九都是知得太少的人。K說的「暗地裡有型」,其實可能不是刻意的,只不過是真正有料子的人都不相信自己有型,所以就沒有去刻意賣弄。那我寧願像Wyman說的那樣,寧可有很多人覺得自己有型而自己唔覺,也不要自以為很有型但其實唔型了。這一年的我其實真的很唔型,但寫出來的東西卻又令人感到我很型(因此訂閱人數突破100大關),於是我有時覺得自己很唔型,有時又覺得自己其實都幾有型呀,真是有夠奇怪。所以我又想勇敢又想豁達,想下想下,都寫了這麼多沒意義的話了,而往事依然一字不提。我決定相信那是我的潛意識作崇,壓抑也好豁達也好,那抽屜是給鎖上了。或者有一天我會再打開她,又或者不會。

如果說我的2006太豐盛,而2007則要我償還一切的話,那麼到了2008我便一定可以捲土重來。我或許損失了很多,但其實也得到了不少。我還未到絶路,我還會寫會畫會拍照,我還在做一份不討厭的工作,我還可以做我想做的事,去想去的地方,買想要的東西後還能有儲蓄,我還有餘力助養一個小孩,還有餘暇還有青春去談理想談原則談感情談一切漂亮而不設實際的東西,無論在身邊還是遠方都還有很多人喜歡我。如果這樣我的2008也不能閃閃亮亮,這個2007的苦豈不是白受了。如果我曾覺得這一年太過刺激了,現在我又會否覺得這1/4世紀着實過於平淡。無論如何,下一個1/4世紀要開始了,我也無謂嘮叨下去。我從小已知道自己不要過一個沒發生過甚麼的人生。K說:那不是妳的錯,何必為別人待自己差而受罪。樂觀一點,世界會變得更美。聽到他這樣說,2008還未來卻似已經變得美好。

2008,首當其充的,是擺平2007的爛攤子,和我們的圖書館計劃!


Photo by K

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2 Photos of Taipei

K’s favourite

My favourite



The difference is obvious.




(More to come)

How to achieve atonement

The problem these fifty-nine years has been this: how can a novelist achieve atonement when, with her absolute power of deciding outcomes, she is also God? There is no one, no entity or higher form that she can appeal to, or be reconciled with, or that can forgive her. There is nothing outside her. In her imagination she has set the limits and the terms. No atonement for God, or novelists, even if they are atheists. It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. The attempt was all.

—- Atonement, Ian McEwan




I have just finished rereading this substantial novel by Ian McEwan which was a course text in my third year at HKU. The course was moderated by Dr Smethurst who always looked into me with smiling eyes (and who had praised my red-framed glasses), and was titled “The Novel Today”. It was the only course by the English Department (now the School of English) that used contemporary materials. I was so shocked by the novel that I decided to imitate it in my final project for my Creative Writing course.

And now that several years have passed, I have myself written a book and numerous pieces, all very immature, bearing witness to the Briony Tallis within me, when I reread this novel that changed my notions of writing, I still cannot help being shocked. I am shocked to tears by the above quoted paragraph.

Now I know why I have not been able to write all these while. I do not even feel any impulse to write my travelogue in Taipei. I have not been forgiven. I have not been able to forgive myself. No forgiveness. No atonement. There is no one, no entity or higher form that she can appeal to, or be reconciled with, or that can forgive her.





Go to this film with me,
and my crimes shall be atoned.

Fantasia fantasised

 
  
 
   
 
LOMO LC-A/Agfa Precisa CT 100/e to c

Horoscopes are scary

Sagittarius: You keep trying to express to someone how you feel, but the words aren’t coming to you. Try writing things down and you’ll get your point across.

Happy/Sad 25



The Snowman
Words & Music by Howard Blake
Narrated by James Nesbitt


The Snowman first appeared as a picture book by Raymond Briggs. In 1982, Snowman Enterprises Ltd. produced an animated film of the book, directed by Dianne Jackson and produced by John Coates. It was first shown on Channel 4 on Boxing Day in 1982 and went on to win the British Film Academy Award for Best Children’s Drama. Since then it has become one of the world’s all-time favourite Christmas films, enjoyed by children of all ages for over 25 years.




Cannot believe that The Snowman who spent my childhood Christmases with me is the same age as (actually 2 weeks younger than) myself! Even back in those TVB Pearl years my young and sensitive mind could not but be saddened by this wonderful Christmas tale. Despite all those glittering and joyous associations of (or rather illusions of) Christmas, it strikes me now that I have in fact long learnt the sadness of the season.



****



   
  
   

Thanks.

不要在室內用LOMO

是次教訓:不要在室內用LOMO


 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
LOMO LC-A
Fujichrome Provia 100F
e to c

One Day in Fantasia


Photos by Mi


我知道那一切都是幻象
史迪仔送我的Mary星
遠看時變大近看時變小的睡公主城堡
掛在樹上的七彩雪人
天上飄下不冷的雪
像人魚公主的夢
日出時份,便會幻化成泡沫
然後我再次早起上班
坐在電腦屏幕前造夢




特別鳴謝:
敬業(不知是否樂業)的史廸仔

懂得將種種荒謬一笑置之的Mi




   
   
  

清瘦

最近不停被人說我瘦了-正確一點的說,是我的臉瘦了,兩頰陷了下去,下巴尖了出來,可以拮死人,但是身體還是維持原狀一樣肥。昨晚同事還拿出一年前拍的照來個新舊對比,證據確鑿,百辭莫辯。

我真的不覺得自己瘦了,也沒有刻意去減肥。而發生這樣靈異之事,倒也不能說不了解箇中原委…… 我忽然想起早些年一個新移民男生困在家中抑鬱而死的新聞。

我還不想死,所以今天早上在中環開完一個所謂會議之後,我去了麥當奴吃了一個早晨全餐。

The essence of creation


Melancholia I, Albrecht Durer
1514
Engraving




她問,是否必需經歷悲傷才能創作