I am blank.

by suu4leaf

After all this time, this evening I at last got time to lie down, and think.

It has been 19 months since I returned to Hong Kong from my MA in London.

These 19 months had been most incredibly eventful.

Ideas formed; plans made; horizon broadened; network extended; opportunities opened; choices made; responsibilities taken; actions initiated; risks taken; perplexities endured; consequences suffered; successes relished; failures accepted; support received; scorn apprehended; friends found; friends lost; wearied; persevered; hoped; disappointed; overwhelmed; retreated.

And it is after 19 months is over that I again find myself a blank, no longer occupied, in whatever manner.

And if David did not ask after me today when I was at work, I would not even have thought of this: that I have been in this job for 6 months now. It was really David who picked me for the job, when he fell for me (haha no figure of speech here) during the job interview with CUHK. It cannot be denied that my getting this job (no usual job in itself) was bit of dramatic. But perhaps too many “unusual” things had been happening on me then that I was not alert enough to be aware of that.

I guess when people meet me, they see “quietude” and “reserve”. But in fact, I find myself constantly working on something, even multiple tasks at one time. I may look retired, but I really am more productive than most who look the otherwise.

And now, all of a sudden, I find all my tasks finished, and all preoccupations resigned. Nothing storms my mind, nothing bothers my heart. I am literally blank.

I need a new purpose, a new passion.