Amid the chill I thought to myself
Today I spent most of my time reading Natsuo Kirino’s Grotesque in the office. I discovered that I greatly desire a reading stand. I am not pretending to be a Victorian lady but I just could not find a single comfortable way (other than in bed) to read long hours without that ingenious invention, tried how I might today.
I told my colleague about The Science of Sleep today, and she suddenly asked me if I watched this film with my boyfriend. I did not know why but I stammered before telling her no I did not watch this film with my boyfriend. She asked me why didn’t I watch this film with my boyfriend and I found this even more difficult to answer. Finally I said, because I am not going out with anyone now. But that is not the reason. I always go to films myself. Perhaps it sounds disconcerting for people to learn that I enjoy watching film by myself, just as I feel disconcerting to be assumed that whenever I talked about watching films I must have watched it with a boyfriend. But now that I think of it, perhaps it would be better I did not watch The Science of Sleep or any other drama films with anyone. Because then I will not have to worry about my emotions being noticed by the person next to me.
Just now a random person from MSN sent me a message saying: You don’t really know about loneliness…… And I thought: Who are you to pretend that you know about me? Then this person went on like: With your appearance and talents blablablabla…… What an assumption again. Being surrounded by people does not mean a person is not lonely; and then the fact is I am not always surrounded by people. I maintain that Loneliness is my essence. Because I need that to write. And I have no idea why I cannot write a single word tonight…… perhaps I am not melancholic enough…… How am I ever to finish it by the deadline?