The Look of Worry
I was too tired even to leave a couple of words here last night. What wears one out is certainly not physical fatique.
Almost every time I meet up with Andy he would say I look worried, or I sound worried when discussing on the phone (Joycelyn even thought I was sobbing the other night… how come???). At first I thought it was only the usual lost look of mine (I have always been commented upon this) which meant nothing but a usual expression. But today I begin to wonder if I really am worried. OK I admit I am worried. Totally freaked out in sooth. And at times of such I would begin to think how good it would be to have someone to rely upon, and then I would start reproaching myself for being so weak and force myself to face the challenge by myself, in a tough-and -strong demanour.
I feel alone and yet I am not alone. I am positive that Andy and John will assist me to the most of their power. I am positive that the Hong Kong University Development and Alumni Affairs Department staff whom I met yesterday will provide what assistance they can. I am positive that, though preoccupied themselves, my chongmates and hallmates are supportive in this matter. I am positive that if only I ask, my parents will be willing to give me aid. I feel alone and yet I am not alone. This looks like a single knight challenge but I am backed up by many (I am reading my Arthurian stories, currently on Sir Pellias and the Lady of the Lake).
I said to Jessica that there was just too much and I wanted to escape from it all. And she counciled me against this idea. Who could have believed it? Oftentimes I feel myself such a failure, despite all those praises and admirations. Perhaps that is why the community is so important – you give support and you receive support, and you achieve something impossible as an individual. Almost 5 years ago, when I stepped through the threshold of Lady Ho Tung Hall, they taught me this.