I am tired today. I cannot afford a decent entry. John and I tried to walk through HKU today and ended up soaked in the rain. Went to a wonderful show but dozed off at the end. Dozed off again after dinner. Woke up trying to fix the blog for the book but left it unsettled, and so just added an entry to the original blog. After which I am already too exhausted to do anything. Do not even think I can continue editing the draft. I will just leave everything till tomorrow. Yes this is a boring entry but I cannot help it.
I was too tired even to leave a couple of words here last night. What wears one out is certainly not physical fatique.
Almost every time I meet up with Andy he would say I look worried, or I sound worried when discussing on the phone (Joycelyn even thought I was sobbing the other night… how come???). At first I thought it was only the usual lost look of mine (I have always been commented upon this) which meant nothing but a usual expression. But today I begin to wonder if I really am worried. OK I admit I am worried. Totally freaked out in sooth. And at times of such I would begin to think how good it would be to have someone to rely upon, and then I would start reproaching myself for being so weak and force myself to face the challenge by myself, in a tough-and -strong demanour.
I feel alone and yet I am not alone. I am positive that Andy and John will assist me to the most of their power. I am positive that the Hong Kong University Development and Alumni Affairs Department staff whom I met yesterday will provide what assistance they can. I am positive that, though preoccupied themselves, my chongmates and hallmates are supportive in this matter. I am positive that if only I ask, my parents will be willing to give me aid. I feel alone and yet I am not alone. This looks like a single knight challenge but I am backed up by many (I am reading my Arthurian stories, currently on Sir Pellias and the Lady of the Lake).
I said to Jessica that there was just too much and I wanted to escape from it all. And she counciled me against this idea. Who could have believed it? Oftentimes I feel myself such a failure, despite all those praises and admirations. Perhaps that is why the community is so important – you give support and you receive support, and you achieve something impossible as an individual. Almost 5 years ago, when I stepped through the threshold of Lady Ho Tung Hall, they taught me this.
Wild Day Out Bar Show feat. SOLER
2006.05.25 IT Mondena
一開始是SOLER台灣的小?妹打頭?，唱了兩首，?音很好?啊。可能不出三年後真的會紅起來呢。Pete，Ray，然後SOLER出來了－嘩好久不?了，Dino剪了頭?！立刻就來《海嘯》了！很喜歡每次live一開頭那爆炸力，每一次都令人那麼興奮！然後有《直覺》，《陌生人》（又來大合唱！）。玩遊戲，舉手太慢了，沒法跟SOLER合照。Dino又用Mother Soler來帶出《風的終點》，可惜說錯?了－怎麼這麼久了廣東?仍這?樣子啊？《失魂》自然是高潮位，之後的《Blue》，《Natural High》都發?了！才?玩得興起，可惜又要說byebye了，那自然就是SOLER的傳統finale《Stay Awhile》了。唱完了，有人喊：”Don’t go away!” （《羅馬冬假》時也有人在最後「你?到嗎」之後喊：「?到啦！」）滴晒汗…….
Woke up sweating like shit and this shit followed me till the career consultancy. I have no idea why I entered that I know basic Excel when I could not even make out the subtraction formula. Anyway I had been idling enough, the book thing wears me out (I just do not know why things so simple can become so complicated), I begin thinking things (since meeting someone last week) and I have had enough of this shit of waiting everyday for Fortune to knock at my door. God looks after those who look after themselves. If there be a God this must be His truest teaching.
Well, the shit continued till I broke the tip of my newly brought umbrella.
Things got better when I joined Aubig at Tsim Sha Tsui. We had a brief lunch, and watched The Da Vinci Code. Well – ok first of all both of us had read the book. This is a crucial point. Because there is an enormous difference between going into the cinema with knowledge of the book and without. And to us who have read the book, the film has deleted so many crucial details that the story lost all its lustre. There is no reading of the Da Vinci paintings, there is one code eliminated, there is no explanation for relevant figures and places…… but then these are all crucial to the thesis of the story and without them, what is meant to be shocking fear becomes funny and ridiculous. Some say that there are too many talks in the film that it becomes dull – they do not know those are only 10% of the whole bunch of data and reasoning in the book. I held no expectations for the film except for those excellent actors, and I would say it is just fair, and can be better. I had said in one of my entries before that I disliked the book and I still dislike it, but for its cunning associations of all my favourite subjects: Renaissance Art, the myth of the Holy Grail (and it shocked me to know that the Round Table of King Arthur actually accommodated 50 knights instead of 13) and the myth of the Templars, symbols, old architecture as of chapels and abbeys, even masonry… etc. And I am still wondering if one really drinks Earl Grey with lemon (since my father drinks it with milk and I with nothing, admiring the tea’s own scent).
Discussing about the film, we walked through the drizzle towards The Hong Kong Art Museum for the Mark Rohko exhibition. I really cannot appreciate abstract art. Anything post-expressionist (well, except perhaps Van Gogh and Gauguin and such like) I feel totally beyond compass. But then, when I got to Rohko’s later (or more “signature”) works of those large panels of colour blocks, I indeed felt something in some of those. In the past, I might be very ready to agree with Rohko’s argument that art must not be decorative. Yet now I doubt. What is art before the birth of the museum? Some old plate the ancient Samarians used. A painting to teach the illiterate about Christ’s teachings. A portrait to exhibit nobility and political power. A product of scientific experiment.
Today, I am reserved for the arts. Do not come bothering me with other things.
I know not. It has been rainning cats and dogs today, and I genuinely believe there is no good going for the photo shoot, even just to have a walk around. I do not think this has anything to do with sloth or cowardliness or anything denoting lack of sincerity and enthusiasm. Of course there is nothing impossible when there is the will, but then I also think that there is no reason to put oneself into a difficult situation just to test out one’s will when there are other options. I do not think that one necessarily has to go through all the extremities before one can come up with good work. I do not disapprove of trials but I disapprove of fruitless labours that are the result of inflexibility and would rather be flexible, keep things under control and minimize unnecessary expenses. That is why I have no wish to go walking all over HKU in a weather like today’s. If it is only the campus it is fine, but it is not – it is the main campus, the halls (ranging from on campus halls to as far as University Hall) and Sandy Bay. That means going up and down hill of all Pokfulam. I wish I can go as far but sorry I am more rational than that. If you understand about the HKU geography you will see my concerns.
The reason the world is still in this shit after all these years of civilization is that there are always ignorant people out there. And the reason the talented are not always the most well off is that those ignorant people are always the majority.