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Month: March, 2006

精神緊張

壓力令我的胃開始痛。今天跟《on the road在途上》的作者Joycelyn見面。她真的很熱心,幫了大忙。現在開始,我多了很多功夫要做,需要很多的幫忙。寫了一個好看的計劃書,暫定了一個印刷設定,做了兩頁Dummy。我還需要一些做書刊設計的人手,很多很多的印刷厰報價,很多很多的出版發行商聯絡。這些全都靠人事關係。我懂得些甚麼人?有多少張人情牌?「很多事情單靠個人是做不來的」-O’Camp時常聽舊人們說。曾經對此存疑,現在只越來越感到其真確。

忽然間,又不那麼確定自己想工作。太多事情要處理了。

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On Decency.

Decency – a difficult word. It was synonymous to Moral and was often used in the overtly moral-sensitive Victorian era. There was this belief that one would rather be a decent folk than a good one, which tells much about the importance of being decent in those days. Now the word is seldom used and most people confuse it with Politeness, which is not the same thing altogether. Decency is a code of behaviour, recognized by everyone (though this code differs by degree according to social ranks), to be acceptably Christian and civil behaviour; and the breach of which not only creates perturbance in others but also brings big disgrace to the person who has been so un-Christian, inadvertent and inconsiderate to act indecently. It was a serious crime, to be indecent; and it mattered little whether one meant well, because if you could not bring yourself to be decent you could be hardly any good anyway. This rigidity on Decency may sound absurd to the modern ear, and yet I have always wondered if it will be easier if such codes are still followed today.

If we take away all the Aristotlelean definitions and Theological arguments for each decent behaviour, to behave decently actually is nothing more than to be considerate. To make others comfortable while maintaining one’s own intergrity, Decency is as simple as that. I am not talking about the Lady First rule, or the adherence to regulations. Both men and women should be observing the code of Decency. It is like – when waiting in queue, a decent person will know where to stand, so as not to be in other person’s way. I often have this unpleasant experience when some person would station in the most unbelieveable position, as if totally oblivious of my existence.

Or say, going through a doorway. A decent person, expecially a gentleman in this case, would have the sense to let others through first instead of forcing past. But the “gentlemen” these days seem to regard that few seconds more material than being decent. I was forced away the other day by a man in suit and tie, and he seemed to have realized that he had brushed past a girl rather violently and gave me a sideway glance, and I did not hesitate to show my indignation at this ungentlemanly behaviour.

Or say, the way to address a member of the opposite sex. This is indeed the thing that vexes me most. People nowadays seem to believe that equality between the sexes means that they can be rude to the opposite sex. Whereas a lady should be modest and refrain from some topics of conversation when addressing a gentleman; the gentleman, out of decency, should avoid topics of delicacy, in consideration of the lady’s feelings – that is, whether the lady actually minds or not, the gentleman should never make any presumption. For example, it is very rude to dwelt on the lady’s or any other lady’s appearance, be it praise or not. One or two word of praise at the beginning of the acquaintance may be politeness, but to make it a topic of discussion is abhorable behaviour. The lady’s good-looks will not make that behaviour any more wholesome. Men tend to think every woman likes to be praised upon their good-looks, which is a very wrong concept. And then they think they can treat a woman like their fellow men, which would mean respect enough. That is a disasterous mistake again. Women are more delicate in many ways than men, and the respect for women is quite different from the respect for men.

Actually the whole entry is for me to vent my frustrations against the hopeless men I met. I just wish that I may meet some decent folk soon and pershaps some day I can review this article on decency.

Soler演唱會
日期﹕2006年4月25日(Tue)
時間﹕8:15 pm
地點:香港紅磡體育館
票價﹕HK$400、HK$200、HK$100
售票:城市電腦售票網




有人有興趣嗎?我這兩天會去訂票。

我們仨

今天,跟兩個久違了的友人見面。

Eunice,Year 1時Late-come入宿何東,住十一樓。歐碧在一個課堂上認識她,於是知道有這個人。印象不很鮮明,只知是那種會化妝穿得漂漂亮亮上課的文學院學生。以為她不會對Hall的活動有興趣,但在之後的Interhall Drama,她就擔任了SM。因為我(被迫)做幕前,稍為多一點對她的了解包括她天然卷的頭髪不用髪夾也能盤成髻。接着的夏天,作為I-Day OC,跟我們一起搏盡了幾個月。Jessica帶她去Orientation Committee列席,回來就不停嘮嘮叨叨,說Eunice的小背心低腰牛仔褲極容易春光乍洩,完全破壞何東形象。對此當事人自然大叫冤枉。除此之外,Eunice作為I-Day OC的表現可謂無可挑剔。Year 2開始,我們一起上英文系的課-我發現除了打扮,她的論文都很用心去做,那些英文都修飾得非常漂亮才會交上;對比起來,我的論文做得很馬虎,但不知為何Eunice總是認為我的好。落庄後,Eunice以Drama Team Team Captain的身份邀我幫忙Interhall Drama,於是我們又一起過了非人生活的兩個多月,徘徊於一樓何添之間和SARS陰影之下。有時會去她那亂得要命的房間,看見滿佈四周的衣衫鞋襪,又知道她是一個名牌時裝愛好者和超級購物狂。拿此來挪揄她,她會自衛說我身上的衣服都比她身上的貴-除了牛仔褲。Year 3,一段時間沒找她,郤忽然接到消息她要搬離何東,為了一個我很清楚的原因。於是,之後除了偶然在課堂上見面,都甚少見到Eunice了。畢業後,Eunice很快便找到工作,而我就在預備去英國留學的事宜。在我出發之前,好像只吃了一頓飯,就沒再踫面。到我回到香港,Eunice又被調職到上海。因此,今天是我們闊別年半後首次見面。

Jean,是Eunice帶來何東的。就是那個忙着I-Day的暑假,Eunice帶了這個外表酷酷的Jean來何添堂,幫我們架鐵枝。那時,我不知道Jean其實是害羞,看着他不發一言的在鐵枝堆中工作,都不敢跟他說話,只是常常看着他頸上的Hysteric Glamour頸鍊。Jessica走過來,眼尾示意在何添另一方的Eunice和Jean,嘴上是別有用意的笑容。之後再見Jean,是Year 2的Interhall Drama。雖然答應了Eunice做Pros & Setting,但自問對此一無所知。因此曾在演藝唸舞台設計的Jean的出現,實在是幫了大忙。記得那晚跟Drama Team開完會,回到707,郤又接到Eunice的電話,說要跟各core member開閉門會議。我拿着我的百老滙電影中心的膠文件夾,踢着拖鞋到一樓Study Room,郤出乎意料的見到半年前那酷酷的臉。那是Jean和我第一次交談-那時我才發現原來自己一直不知道他的名字。我們立刻就交換了電話,如果不是第二早要練波,我們便一起去可可食宵夜了。如果說有一種朋友是第一眼便知道合得來的,Jean和我便是這一種吧。之後Jean和我幾乎每天都見,一起坐在一樓一邊談天一邊做佈景,一起去深水埗買材料,一起吃Catherine做的晚晚新款的宵夜。那個冬天,我的心情其實跌到谷底。我的庄友們都理不了我,不知道我正頻臨崩溳。能撐着,能為何東取得Best Stage Effect,完全因為有Jean在身旁。那個時候,我真的覺得沒有他不行。其他人看我做那麼多事情那麼堅強,但我心裡知道那是因為我有Jean可以依賴。Interhall Drama完結,除了不捨得排戲的時光,我更不捨得和Jean渡過的日子。Interhall完結他自然沒有再來何東的需要,而Year 3時Eunice搬出跟他共住,就更不會見到他了。雖然常常說一起吃飯,但就沒有一次成事的。其實,從倫敦回來後,已約了他好幾次;如果不是他在Eunice和我正在午饍時來電並吵着要來,我想我們再見之時也是遙遙無期了。

年半,Eunice和我不再是學生,Jean也搬離中環的住家。以前,夾在這二人中間,看她們無聊的打情罵俏,也覺可愛。今天,夾在這二人中間,那些似是而非的對罵卻讓我這第三者有點尷尬。為甚麼呢?Eunice的頭髪仍是自然卷曲上衣仍然蓋不住腰肢,Jean仍是一個Punk頭食量驚人;我們仨仍一起見面說笑-但這三角形郤好像感覺不同往時了。

****

見到一件女裝皮褸,紫色的,半價,$1840。很像Dino常穿那一件。
幸好不太合身,否則已買了。
危險危險。

On Connections

In Pride and Prejudice, the keyword is Connections. To be more accurate, Connections is the main theme in the Austen repertoire. That is something deeply rooted in every Georgian/Victorian English civilian. When Mrs Bennet proclaimed before the Netherfield Park party (rather proudly) that she knew the Bennet family dined with four and twenty families, Mr Darcy must have raised his eyebrows while the Miss Bingleys snorted, and Mr Bingley trying to keep his countenance for the sake of poor Lizzy, utterly embarassed by her ignorant mother and her no less silly sisters. Truely, even though the Bingleys and Darcy had nothing against sweet Jane and clever Elizabeth Bennets, as Darcy put it, “But with such a father and mother, and such low connections, I am afraid there is no chance of [the Miss Bennets being well settled in marriage].”

Today we still talk of Connections, though with a very different meaning. While Connections was more about family honour and reputation, where one was born within a certain network of connections which was more or less fixed; Connections nowadays is less about the family name (except for the very few among the upper society) but more on a business or practical level. If you are able to get connections and mingle in better society, your prospect increases almost certainly. There will be no Mr Darcy or Miss Bingley striding gracefully at the cocktail party to remind you that your mother is a silly woman, though you have a good degree. Getting to know the right persons and impressing them would quite suffice to make an easy career path, whereas it would certainly be insufficient back in Jane Austen’s time. And the Miss Bennets could not go look for connections in the first place, even if they had a more recommendable family profile (“Indeed you must go, for it will be impossible for us to visit him, if you do not.”); whereas now we, men and women alike, would not be judged too harshly about seeking connections in a more aggressive way. The society sure has changed a lot these 200 years, but nothing is changed much except that today we have less prohibitions in building connections. Connections still remains a main theme of the life of the individual. Austen remains popular for no other reason.

I never thought much about Connections in my younger days. To make acquaintance for the sake of connections sounded absurdly immoral to me. Of course now I see things a lot more differently. Sometimes you do need conncections to achieve some goal, which is not necessarily immoral (which is a rather extreme word, and I refrain from using it now). It is believed that, traditionally, artists are the last people in the world to seek connections, scorning all forms of cunning or politics, which I believe is a false image. Artists have to get their work known to the world before their talents can be recognized. If Austen kept her manuscripts for her and her own family’s amusement, the world would never have known the witty Lizzy and the proud Mr Darcy, and Colin Firth would never have been remembered and loved as Mr Darcy for these 10 years.

If there are two things to complain about my recent job offer, that would be its pay and the limited connections it guarantees. But perhaps for me who have yet had a solid work experience, am in no position to complain too much as yet.

****

Just received Ms Mabel Cheung’s reply tonight. Cannot be more thrilled.
Connections indeed.

大墨與我

我的爸爸頭腦好,我的媽媽稍有姿色。於是,他們的首個愛情結晶品,集二人之大成,頭腦和姿色各有一點。但是上天似乎堅持地球上不能有智慧美貌並存完美的人,我生下來的時候,下巴上就附着一顆痣。隨着年齡增長,這顆痣亦隨之變大。當然,從小我們便被教育甚麼不要以貌取人、Don’t judge a book by its cover…我的確也相信一個人的價值在於他/她的學養,但這顆陪伴了我二十多年的痣,一直以來,也着實帶給我很大的困擾。其實,能稱得上漂亮的女生,十個可能才一個,其餘九個,六個相貌平平,三個可能比較強差人意。對我來說,我寧願自己是那六個其中一個,也不要是一個「看上去漂亮,實際上郤-」的第十一人。

 

昨天有個陌生人跟我說我的側臉很美,但看過我的正臉,便說:「妳的側臉倒騙得了人。」

 

我從來不跟人說,但這二十三年,我一直活在這顆痣的陰影底下。不用說平時外出慣例招來的奇異目光,由小到大,被取笑挪揄總有。小學生喜歡取笑貌醜的同學,叫「大粒墨」,沒留意身邊的同學正正有一顆痣;其實,很多時候,小孩子,才是最殘忍的。中學時,同學們開始成熟,知道取笑人的外表沒教養,因此沒有一個人敢在我的面前提我的痣。即使偶然會有人拿我的痣來開玩笑,但聽她們緊張的聲線,也知道她們雖然想為我打破一個禁忌,但也怕會召來不愉快的後果。這麼想來,其實,也有點有趣的。或許我是很幸運,就讀的英文女校算是有點名氣,同學們的家境教養不俗,所以沒有怎麼被歧視。雖然如此,同學們的小心奕奕,卻往往提醒了我長相的奇特;明明忘記了,郤又忽地醒起,像Dejavu,沒完沒了。

 

很記得有一次放學後去影印筆記給同學,路經一群聚集在翻版四級影碟店的金毛飛。我已刻意不望他們,加快步伐走過,但還是避免不了一輪傳遍整個商場的嘲笑叫嚣。那時我唸中七,除了堅持內在美,也到了非常關注外在美的年紀。那大概是我有生以來因為這顆痣受到最大的羞辱。我記得那之候我的臉部肌肉凝固住了,直至回到家中,我才狠狠的在自己的日記上寫上這句字:我會帶着這顆痣,一直活下去。就是因為這個誓言,令我打消了一個又一個把這顆痣脫掉的念頭。

 

我不時也問我的父母為何不把我的痣脫掉。我的爸爸,內在美的信徒,說我的痣沒有問題。我的媽媽,說我的祖母喜歡我的痣,不讓我脫。每次聽完一樣答案,我總是不發一言,心想:你們當然覺得沒問題,這顆痣又不是長在你們臉上。自嘲地說:「對啊,有甚麼三七二十一,你們也能立刻憑痣認得是我。」這自然引來媽媽的「啋過你大吉利事」。靜下來了,我就會想,如果我的孩子有一顆這樣的痣,我又會怎樣做。然後我發現,我自己也答不上來。身為過來人,當然不想自己的孩子受這種苦;但是又正正因為受過這種苦的磿練,我才可以冷冷的回那斗膽評論我的痣的陌生人一句:「我並不像普通女生那般看重外表。」

 

我的痣,造就了我矛盾的性格。瓜子臉,端正五官,加一顆痣-那是漂亮還是醜?沒有這顆痣,我便像一個可愛的日本娃娃。下巴上多了一點,就不可愛了。這一點還真玄妙。有時我忘記了自己的痣,身邊的人看慣了,沒有人指出這顆痣的存在,我就是一個快樂自信的日本娃娃。有時我想起了自己的痣,遇到新朋友,這顆痣再次引起注意,我就是一個不安自卑的醜八怪。我的性格裡,同時存在着自信和自卑。我對自己的能力很有自信,但一碰到別人的目光,我的自信便蕩然無存。我常常想,小學時被老師們無理的針鋒相對,是因為我的痣(因為雖然我考頭幾名又服從,仍然被針對,所以那一定跟我的成績操行無關)。亦可能因為這樣,我一直很努力學習,希望別人會以我的學養而不是我的外表來評價我。雖然相信內在美,重視自己的文學修養多於懂得多少品牌擁有多少名牌皮包,郤仍會為別人如何想自己的痣發愁。自問不會以貌取人,因為己所不欲勿施於人,但就奇怪地認為別人都只看外表。近年愛上自拍,郤總是刻意只拍沒有痣那邊臉。會鄙視只看女生外表的人,郤不敢把自己的正臉顯示人前。我自卑得很自大,自大得很自卑。

 

因為那陌生人的一句話,竟令我寫了一篇上千字的文。其實,我在很久之前,就已沒有被這顆痣困擾了。只是有些時候,踫到一些人,遇着一些事,會讓我想起那難過的感覺。很久之前起,我身邊就開始聚集欣賞我的內在美的人。我很幸運,身邊的朋友都欣賞仰慕自己一些內在的特質,讓我能相信自己的價值。試過去拍一輯照片,化妝師看着我的臉,說:「不如把那顆痣遮住。」拿回自己的照片,看着沒有痣的自己,感覺怪怪的。沒有痣的話,就不是我。我之所以是我,是因為我一直帶着這顆痣二十多年。我想,我還是會帶着這顆痣,自信地活下去。一些禁忌,一旦打破了的話,就不再可怕。

****

今天見了工,半小時之候就接到Offer。
或許我可以再自信一點。

Regency Fever


(At Karrian’s request )



It seems to have begun with the new Pride and Prejudice film adaptation. Tonight they are showing the legendary 1995 BBC mini TV series Pride and Prejudice again on Pearl, people are talking about rereading Austen’s classics, and everywhere in the shopfronts there are Regency high-waist-line style daydresses.

I have always liked the Regency style: elegant and dreamy. I have always looked out for a high-waist-line daydress, but never found one to my liking. People seemed to think any dress that does not highlight the waist is a bad design, and I hardly saw one in Hong Kong several years back. And now it is almost everywhere. Today I rummaged half Causeway Bay, more disappointed as I stepped out from yet another shop, until I saw something – a white high-waist-line knee-length daydress with lace trimmings and ribbons, printed with flowery patterns at the bottom – not exactly what Jennifer Ehle or Gwyneth Paltrow would wear as their Austen heroines, but what I believe to be modernly classic enough for me. It would do perfectly fine with sandals, but as a mix-and-match lover I think I would team it with a jacket or cardigan, vintage jeans and boots. Lovely. Can’t wait to go out in it.

And so I grabbed it home and without any further delay tried the immaculate dress on – oh no. I look double in size in that. The shop did not allow fitting for dresses because they have only one stock for each. I should have known – Regency dresses always make their wearers look round because they expose the armpits and conceal the waist. Only with a body like Keira Knightly’s would still look slim in a Regency dress. But still, I love my dress and I am going to wear it often this Spring and Summer.

三八婦女節

一向也沒留意三八婦女節。除了在大學一年級的時候,上何東的庄,剛剛過了EGM通過了我們的選舉結果(詳情不細說了,請參閱我即將出版的書),我們初次接管宿生會辦工室,興緻勃勃的想要做點甚麼答謝堂友們的支持,然後有人想起三八婦女節。在全女生的何東,三八婦女節也可算是我們的節日了。我們派出陳希雯和歐碧去買女性用品,三月七日晚上,我們十二人一起坐在宿生會辦工室逐小包重新包裝,再放進堂友的信箱中。等第二天三月八日,堂友們從信箱中接到這奇怪的小禮物,還在想是甚麼呢。我們自然覺得自己很細心,直至有堂友回來(半開玩笑的)投訴在大學內眾目葵葵把小禮物打開時才發現內裡乾坤時有多麼尷尬。

對於女權活動的歷史,唸歷史和文學時有接觸過一些名字一些事件,但就皮毛得可以。以前不喜歡歷史,總是知個大概就算了,從不會深究甚麼前因後果。好像是由進入大學開始,因為文學藝術哲學的研究,反而對歷史產生了興趣了。三八婦女節,原來也和政治扯上關係。當時把三八婦女節劃為官方假日的國家,都是奉行共產主義或極端社會主義的國家。也有些政權為了增加勢力,把女性權利作為宣傳手段。到了二十世紀末,三八婦女節成了一個母親節加情人節的混合體,成為男士送禮給女士的日子,失去了原本的政治意味。特別是在前社會主義國家的捷克,三八婦女節的失敗成了一個政治笑話。

之前在報章看到一則報導,說香港只是表面上男女平等,實質上社會上仍存在着很多性別歧視和傳統男尊女卑的心態。作為一個香港女性,我也得承認香港普遍的男性都認為女性一定要小鳥伊人唯唯諾諾;普遍的女性都很會認為能吸引男性的女性一定要小鳥伊人唯唯諾諾,而亦因為一個女人的生存目的就是嫁個好男人,所以便得小鳥伊人唯唯諾諾。不錯我們是唸很多書,在各方面的表現都比很多男人好,但是到最後,我們還是要臣服於男人之下。朋友說這叫「進可攻,退可守」;我郤覺得,女人為何來到這個世代,還要為了身為女人而活得這般絞盡腦汁呢。

On Idleness.

Idleness. I remember a high school teacher once said to us, “Idleness is not a sin.” A day later, when we met her again in class, she begged our pardon, saying, “Please forgive me. Idleness is indeed a sin. Laziness is not.” She seemed frightened at the idea that she might have led us astray to the deadly sin and if we ended up in Hell she would be solely responsible. What a lovely teacher. We were already in F.7 after all.

Despite the fact that I am easily irritated (obviously inherited from my mother), I find myself rather inclined towards a quiet and tranquil disposition (my father’s counter-influence). I am much more easily seized by Melancholy than Choler. Given this disposition that dislikes action, I always wonder if I am indeed more prone to Idleness than the others. But though I prefer activities of a quieter nature, I seldom find myself unoccupied. Indeed, I have never been really unoccupied at all. Being unoccupied is not equal to being out of school or unemployed; it means having virtually nothing to do. I think that is why I am so annoyed when people think I am idle simply because I am neither a student nor one of the employed population. I never let myself idle, not only because it is a sin, but also because it is killing. Being idle is a denial of time, a denial of the talents and energies inside one, and a denial of one’s own existence. Taking a rest after labourious work is another thing, it is part of the whole thing.

I just realized, these five months since I have been back from London, I have never truly had a single day off. Every day I had been working on my book. My mind never left it. Indeed, I worked more than full time on it, because even full time workers have holidays, and I had none. How dare those people think I had been idle simply because I was working at home? And what is the result? Something no one can match unless they give as much as I did. That needs courage, perseverence, and faith.

And now that nothing remains for me to do except waiting, I find myself in the danger of falling into Idleness. This is time I seek out new things to do. Wish me luck.

等待中。

樓上裝修
真係嘈到人都癲

呢個時候
真係要quote下阿龍哥個句:
「好癲」

唔知返黎未呢

****

咦?
有人話4月25日喎!
係咪真架?

****

不想淪落至要看完整套Harry Potter
還是得外出買書去

不知怎的
每次我興緻勃勃的去
結果總是興緻盡失的走
一走進去
那間格氣氛就把所有購買慾趕走
商務就是有這種令人失去看書雅興的力量

結果我跑上了銅鑼灣書店
才一進去便已拿起了幾本

新書對我來說
其實只要是感覺不錯
我很容易便會買很多的
(看不看完則另作別論)

買了黃偉文和王貽興的散文集
和韓寒的成名作《三重門》
看看這個和我同年的大陸男生
其實是甚麼回事
簡體的
順道練習一下吧

****

等待

向來都是最難熬的。